oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
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I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
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This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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