last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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