I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
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sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
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I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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