if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
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We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
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I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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