beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
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I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
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He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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