Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
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got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
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Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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