My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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