he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
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I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
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Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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