She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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