Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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