man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize