hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
no you cant smoke seaweed
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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