Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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