i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
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Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
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