Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
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Clothes are such an inconvenience.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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