thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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