i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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