i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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