just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
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We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
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I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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