then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
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Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
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So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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