omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
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So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
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I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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