I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize