Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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