You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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