help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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