is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
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New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
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Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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