I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
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i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
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I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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