How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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