My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize