It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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