Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I think my vagina is haunted
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
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it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
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I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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