I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
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Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
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He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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