i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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