if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
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I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
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But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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