you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
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I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
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Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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