This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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