im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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