Having a random hookup so left but love u
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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