just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
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He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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