So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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