Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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