when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
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He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
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You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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