Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize