So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
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Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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