anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize