i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
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If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
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Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize