You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
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If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
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A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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