Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
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the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
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You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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