i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
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I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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