I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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